Out Bad Read online

  Gabbi looked confused. “No. Not yours. Hers.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Look, Gwen just came back here. She’s gone through some things that have changed her whole life.” She paused as her eyes flicked to the door, then continued. “She's had a really hard time with it, and I just don't want you to get your hopes up that she can be what you want her to be right now. All the things that are so important to you, she's just not ready to think about again.”

  "What things?"

  "Marriage for starters."

  He was stunned. It had never occurred to him there would be a woman who would not be interested in a home, a husband who worked hard, kids. Now he was faced with the fact that all those things he was working so hard to offer in the hopes it would offset his transgressions, might not be of any interest to the only woman who had caught his eye in years.

  "She isn't like me Joe. She's had things happen and they changed her. Changed her whole life." Gabbi sighed and shook her head. "She's become very successful in her career, but I think working with a bunch of men all day, having to prove she's just as capable as they are has made her a little… aggressive and… hard.”

  Joe immediately thought back to her reaction to the drunk man at the bar. More her lack of reaction actually. The guy’s behavior hadn’t even seemed to faze her. Most women would have freaked out. She hadn’t. She handled the situation easily without looking for anyone’s help. It was one of the things he found most intriguing about her. She was so calm and confident. Clearly capable of handling whatever she needed to.

  Now he was realizing that very thing he considered an attribute, might be his undoing in her mind. The future he’d laid out for himself, the one he’d been working so hard to achieve, depended on a woman he could care for. Provide for. Have children with. Be partners in life, handling a house and home together as a team.

  As much as he knew it was wrong to admit, he wanted a traditional type of relationship. He wanted his wife to be able to stay home with their children while he worked his ass off for them, giving them everything he could.

  If what Gabbi was saying really was true, Gwen was not the type of woman who would be interested in his plan.

  Heath stuck his head around the corner. “Honey, are there more napkins?”

  Gabbi patted his knee and gave him a kind smile before heading into the kitchen behind her husband.

  Joe stayed on the couch for a minute digesting all she’d said and wondering what happened to Gwen that changed her life so dramatically. What in her past could make her abandon any ideas about not only marriage and family, but even dating?

  Eventually, he joined the rest of the group, making himself a plate with what little remained of the food he’d been so excited to enjoy, but somewhere along the line his appetite deserted him.

  The air outside must have cooled down a bit and part of the crowd had moved to the back yard. He took his plate and a beer from the fridge and headed out back to sit on the deck. Hopefully the fresh air would help clear his mind.

  All the chairs were full so he propped up against the rail overlooking the yard. Heath and Gabbi’s girls were on their playset along with all the other kids from the party, giggling and screaming and having a ball.

  In the center of the happy chaos was one grown-up. Running around, pushing swings, catching little ones as they went down the slide and, if the smile on her face was any indication, having just as much fun as the kids.

  Joe took a big bite of pulled pork, suddenly feeling a little more hungry, and optimistic. Maybe Gabbi didn’t know her sister as well as she thought she did.

  Five

  Gwen pushed Caroline in the swing, her niece cackling away as she crept higher and higher into the air. She took advantage of the momentum she’d worked up and took a break to peel her hair off her sticky neck. She ran her fingers through it, working the length into a knot on the top of her head and wrapping an elastic band around the base. The evening had cooled off, but playing with the girls had her starting to sweat.

  “Auntie Gwen push me!”

  She gave the little girl a light shove. She was still pretty high up and Gwen wasn’t so sure Caroline's swinging abilities would keep her little butt in place. The last thing Heath needed for his birthday was a trip to the emergency room.

  As she stepped to the side to get a good look at just how high her niece was swinging, Gwen caught a tall dark figure in her peripheral vision. The sight of Joe watching from the deck, his large body propped against the railing, made her stomach clench.

  She turned all her attention back to pushing Caroline gently on the swing, hoping he would go back inside and she could once again enjoy this time with the girls instead of fighting the distraction his presence caused.

  A shiver crept up her spine. Not from fear, but something else. An emotion that she hadn’t felt in so long, it was surprising she could identify it at all.

  Excitement.

  Unfortunately, that feeling didn't come alone. It brought a not so appealing friend. Fear.

  Gwen took a deep breath as she tried to refocus her attention on Caroline. She and her sister were two of the biggest reasons she decided to move back home, ready or not. Until a few days ago, she was feeling pretty good about where she was and how she was feeling about being back. Now she wasn't so sure and there was one big reason why, and that reason was staring right at her. Gwen felt heat creeping slowly up her chest and over her face. She needed a minute.

  “Honey, Auntie Gwen needs to go potty.”

  She made sure Caroline was on solid ground before dashing up the steps and busting through the back door. The cool air barely hit her face before she felt the door come to an abrupt stop, the knob still firmly tucked into her palm.

  Her sister grunted on the other side of the door. “Gwennie, how did you not see me? The door’s freaking glass?”

  Gabbi stepped back and pulled the door the rest of the way open. Her eyes widened when she saw Gwen. “You okay? You look really flushed.”

  The cool air of the air-conditioned house was already making her feel a little better. "I think so. Just a little hot." She backed toward the front of the house. "I'm going to go to the bathroom and I'll be back to help you clean up."

  She turned before Gabbi could say anything and dashed away. A few minutes later her bladder was empty, she'd checked her e-mail from her phone and scheduled a meeting for tomorrow, and was feeling much better. More in control.

  The house was quiet. Everyone was in the backyard enjoying a brief break in the stifling July heat. Gwen stood in the kitchen surveying the damage.

  Calling it a mess was a serious understatement. It looked like a bomb had gone off. A bomb filled with mashed potatoes and gravy. And macaroni and cheese. But right now it was easier to deal with than what she might find outside.

  She searched through cabinets until she found a box of black garbage bags. The first bag filled quickly with stacks of used paper plates, napkins and cups. She tied it off and set it beside the door, fighting the urge to peek outside.

  Instead, she quickly went back to work. Her sister had spent days getting ready for this party and it would be a nice surprise for her to not have to deal with the aftermath too.

  As Gwen sorted the remaining food, packing any leftovers up and piling serving spoons in the sink she felt better and better. Moving back was the right decision. Staying away wouldn't change what happened in the past, but it would change what would be in her future, and more than anything she wanted her sister and her nieces to be a big part of her life.

  By the time everything was organized and lined up, the knot in her stomach was gone and for the first time in a long time she felt happy. Happy to be being a good sister. Happy to be back near her family and happy to feel like she was finally, finally moving forward.

  She hummed to herself as she flipped on the hot water. The stack of empty disposable aluminum pans almost touched the underside of the upper cabinets and the idea of thro
wing them in the trash was ridiculous. She grabbed the top pan, rinsed the crusty bits of food out and stacked it in the pile to go to the recycling bin.

  "Mind if I help?"

  She stopped mid-hum and mid-rinse.

  Joe stepped into her line of sight. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

  If he only knew how right he was.

  She shook her head as she finished rinsing the pan in her hands. "I just thought everyone was outside."

  "What do you need me to do?"

  He had no clue how complicated the answer to his question really was. On one hand, she needed him to disappear. It would make things much easier for her right now. On the other hand, she needed him to stay. Maybe even wanted him to stay.

  She needed a happy medium.

  "Could you take those trash bags to the can?" She pointed at the three bags she'd stacked by the outside door.

  "I would love to." And he was gone. And she didn't know if she felt better, or worse.

  Confused. Definitely confused. More than a little.

  This time, she heard the door open as he came back in the house. "Is this all recycling?" His voice was quiet but strong beside her.

  She dared a glance his way as she nodded. His head was tipped down, his hair loose around his face, his eyes on her. He smiled, watching her for a second longer before grabbing the pile of aluminum and plastic and heading back out the door.

  The door opened again and she held her breath. Loud voices filled the house as the crowd filed back in, this time to say their goodbyes.

  "Gwennie, you didn't have to do this." Gabbi looked around the kitchen, then back at Gwen. "But I really appreciate it."

  Gwen wrung out the dishrag over the sink and started wiping down the counters. "I figured the last thing you'd feel like doing tonight was cleaning up this mess and I had the time." She glanced up as Joe came in through the back door, chatting with Heath and a few other men.

  "And Joe helped, so it wasn't that big of a deal."

  "Oh." Gabbi's voice was quiet.

  They stood quietly as Gwen continued to gather bits of food into a pile in the middle of the counter with long swipes of the rag. Years of unsaid words hung in the air until the silence became overwhelming.

  "It was a good party Gab." Gwen smiled at her sister as she pushed the pile of debris off the edge and into her cupped hand.

  Gabbi nodded, her face still serious. "Thanks."

  "Wife," Heath's arm came around Gabbi's shoulders, "you throw one hell of a party." He planted a kiss on her forehead. "Thank you."

  Gwen watched as her sister smiled up at him, but the love and adoration in his eyes as he looked down at her was too much. Gwen turned away, feelings she both hated and missed smothering out the happiness she should feel for them.

  "People are starting to leave baby. We should say goodbye."

  "Okay." Gabbi leaned into Gwen's back, her hands resting on her shoulders. "I'll be back to help you finish up."

  Saying goodbye took longer than Gabbi must have expected because Gwen was finished cleaning the kitchen and walking out the back door to dump the last of the trash and her sister was nowhere in sight.

  Gwen checked her watch as she rounded the house to dump the trash. It was after nine-thirty. That explained the darkness falling quickly across the neighborhood. It also explained why she was exhausted. Part of the reason anyway.

  She dumped the trash and was climbing the steps of the deck when a newly familiar scent caught her attention.

  "I would have taken that out for you Gwen."

  The sound of his voice saying her name, the fact that he remembered her name at all, was enough to make the feelings of excitement from earlier flare up. Unfortunately, the sight of Joe waiting for her at the top of the steps pushed that excitement dangerously close to the edge of fear, leaving her teetering, uncertain which was worse.

  She took a breath, then swallowed, hoping to relieve the dryness suddenly taking over her throat. "It's okay. I can take trash out."

  She stopped at the top of the steps, knowing she shouldn't, but wanting to see how it felt to be close to him now that she was expecting it.

  He looked down at her, seeming so much taller than before. "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should have to."

  ****

  Gwen left the stereo off as she drove home, the only sound inside her car was the quiet blowing of the air conditioner. She watched as the lines of the road flicked past. What in the hell was she doing?

  Was she some sort of glutton for punishment, or worse, was she trying to substitute one biker for another?

  A tear crept from the outer corner of her left eye. She scrubbed it away, blinking hard to prevent her emotions from taking any more liberties.

  Then she laughed.

  If she was trying to find an in-kind replacement, Joe was about as far off as she could manage. The only connecting fiber so far was choice of transportation.

  Jason was many things. Many wonderful things, none of them like the quiet, serious biker making her move home a little more difficult than she'd hoped.

  Gwen pulled into her garage and shut the driver's door before turning to grab her bag from the back. Her hand paused on the handle as her eyes fell on the canvas covered relic tucked neatly inside the closing garage door.

  She stood, trying to talk herself out of what she was considering. Revisiting the past might only make things worse. It was over. Done. Would never be again. Dwelling would only give strength to feelings she was already struggling to contain.

  But for some self-abusive reason, she had to see it. Had to remember there was a time her life was different. A time when she was different.

  Instead of getting her bag and going inside, she walked the few feet, grabbed two fistfuls of thick fabric and gently lifted. The canvas fell into a heap on the floor. She stared at the bike, Jason's bike, waiting.

  She gently touched her fingers to the pristine chrome. It was cool and smooth under her touch. She stepped closer, letting her fingers drag across the seat, remembering when there was no place she would rather be than tucked at the back of the black leather cushion behind the man she loved with her whole heart.

  She grabbed the handles and swung her leg over, settling down into the last place the man who was supposed to be her husband was alive.

  It was the first time she'd looked at the bike since his brothers rebuilt it in the shop he owned after the accident. They delivered it to her garage and she'd covered it up, worried the sight of it would be more than she could handle. Make her think. Make her remember.

  And it did make her think, but not about the man she expected.

  She quickly got off the bike and hauled the cover back over it. Grabbing her bag out of the back seat, she shut the door and ran inside, refusing to look back.

  ****

  Joe pulled up in front of the small ranch style house. He grabbed his work bag from the back and made his way to the front door, dodging small toys and stepping around rainbows chalked on the cement front porch.

  The door opened before he had a chance to knock. A young mother stood in the doorway with a baby on her hip and a toddler clinging to her leg. He smiled, hoping it would make him seem less intimidating to the small boy who looked up at him with wide eyes.

  "I'm Joe. I heard you needed some help."

  A few minutes later, he pulled a wad of linty sludge out of the kitchen sink and tucked it in the garbage can beside the counter. "That was a pretty wicked clog."

  The young woman's eyes wouldn't meet his. "That's where I do laundry." Her voice was a quiet mix of embarrassment and shame.

  Joe nodded silently. He wanted to tell her he'd seen this before. That hers wasn't the only family struggling, but it wouldn't matter.

  The baby wrapped a long strand of his mother's hair around his drool covered fingers, his grip eventually making her wince.

  "He's a pretty strong little guy." Joe smiled at the chubby baby and gave him a finger wave. He was re
warded with a gummy grin.

  He looked back at the woman. She was cooing at the baby as she unwound her hair from his tiny fist.

  "If I could get you a washer, would that help you?"

  Her eyes snapped to his for the first time since he'd arrived. For a second she stared at him, probably waiting for the condition that came with his offer.

  "It's used, but it works. I just happened in to it, so I would just give it to you. No charge. I can drop it off for you later this week if that's okay."

  The woman nodded and looked down just as the tears rimmed her eyes. "That would be nice. Thank you."

  "Happy to give it a home where it will get some use."

  Joe packed up his stuff, leaving two suckers on the counter, and headed to his van. He checked the time. It was 6:30. That meant he would have to hurry.

  Thirty minutes later, he was out of the used appliance store, a well-maintained washer in the back of his van.

  He spent the drive home trying his best to put the woman and her little boys out of his mind even though experience told him it wouldn't be possible. It just hit too close to home. Was too much like the life he lived. Survived anyway.

  That was why he couldn't just walk away from a situation like that. He wanted to make things right. Not just to try to make up for what he did as an adult, but to make up for what he couldn't do as a child.

  He couldn't help his mother. He couldn't make their life better.

  And he couldn't stop his father.

  The only thing that managed to stop Calvin Parker was a massive coronary at forty-five. Even then it was too late. The years of damage he inflicted on his wife left her broken and living in fear of eternal damnation, until she died.

  By then Joe was long gone, never looking back at the hypocritical preacher who would raise his bible with one hand and swing a fist with the other, the stink of whiskey tainting the commandments he spewed.

  Joe shook his head, the memories scattering. He had no choice but to leave it all in the past. The abuse. The poverty. And sadly, the woman he couldn't save.